Careful what you say at Starbucks…

…I might be listening!

It took me FOUR years to write The Life List!  Yeah…yeah…I know that’s a long time, but I had a good reason (which I don’t feel like explaining to you at the minute).  Anyway, during that time I spent most of my productive writing hours at my neighborhood Starbucks here in Portland.  Call me crazy, but I need chaos in order to think clearly.  The quiet of my home office only makes my mind drift off to things like laundry, credit card payments and dust!  Lots and lots of dust!

There I’d sit, in my usual corner table, back against the wall so that I had a view of every person that came and went.  In a Rainman sorta way, my set up was always the same.   First I’d unpack my laptop, then my notebook containing the chronology of my life and then a few pencils and pens.  I’d order a venti ice water, a grande skinny vanilla latte,  fire up my itunes, put on my earphones and of course, rub my dead best friends bracelet for love and inspiration.

  But… on occasion, I’d pause my itunes and just sit and listen to the chaos around me and since my earphones were still on, I got to hear some pretty interesting things.

I knew someday I’d want to write ab0ut the things I had heard in that Starbucks.  That day has finally come.  In total, I compiled about three pages of cheesy, snarky, sad, angry, appalling and funny tid bits of people’s conversations.  Due to the fact that my third vodka club is gonna kick in any minute, I’ll only list my top 5 favorite.

#5

“I think my left nipple finally shriveled up and fell off last night.  I guess that’s what happens when you breastfeed four kids.  I made an appointment to see a plastic surgeon.”

At first I thought the woman was just plain old exaggerating!  I can see how one’s nipples could erode after all that sucking and chaffing and it’s sorta funny to joke about them falling off.   But when she said, in all seriousness, that she’s seeing a plastic surgeon, it made me wonder if she was carrying around the shriveled up nipple in a ziplock bag or something.  The whole thing was just plain GROSS!

#4

“I would’ve thought twice about marrying him if I knew five years later I’d be scrapping his shit off of the inside of the toilet bowl.”

This woman was pissed and there was NO DOUBT she hated her husband.  It’s only a matter of time before shit hits the fan in that marriage!  Bwahhhhhhhh ha ha ha!!!

  #3

“I fucking hate that little girl.  I swear, I want to rip her freckly fucking face off.  If her mom wasn’t so damn plugged into {BLEEP} at the school, I’d do it.  Little fucking bitch.”

Sorry gals, had to BLEEP the the thing the freckly fucking bitches mom was plugged into at school.  If I named it, too many peeps in my neighborhood would know EXACTLY who I was talking about and I’d have to kiss my seat at Starbucks goodbye.  I’d have some serious heat on me!  (I live in one of those neighborhoods where most moms have nothing better to do than claw their way to the tops of the “best” committees at the elementary school.  I totally don’t fit in.)

#2

“I gave her two weeks allowance to egg that house for me.”

This was a grown ass woman, a mom I presume, telling this to another grown ass woman!  I just shook my head in shame to the pretend beat in my earphones as the idiot described her “revenge”.   It took all of my self control not rip off my earphones and say, “C’mon,Lady, it’s not 1991!  Everyone knows the best way to get revenge is to *FRIEND* your enemies on FACEBOOK and post fake things that make your life sound wayyyyyy better than it really is!”

#1

“I wish my wife had an ass like that.”

Yep, it came out of the mouth of a man wearing a wedding ring!!!  This was the ONLY time I ever turned to the person I was eavesdropping on and said (pointing to my earphones), “THESE THINGS AREN’T REALLY ON YOU KNOW!”  What?  He totally deserved it!  I might’ve cut him some slack if he was talking about MY ass, but he wasn’t.   Looking back, maybe that’s what made me so mad.  Sigh…

My vodka clubs are happily kicking in! I gotta wrap this up.

Chrissy Anderson’s Unsolicited Advice is BE CAREFUL what you say at Starbucks.  You never know what a sweet looking, latte drinking, dead friend bracelet rubbing, alleged itunes listening, earphone wearing gal might really be doing.  Gosh, who knows what I might do while I’m sitting there writing my new book, The Unexpected List!  Maybe I’ll snap some pictures to go along with the next batch of stupid things people say!

 

 

  • Gringa

    Hilarious! My favorite is when folks look at my white girl gringa face and assume I don’t understand the language they’re speaking. I LOVE listening until they say something so outrageous or incriminating, I just have to chime in their native language to let them know it’s all being heard and understood. Shock value – priceless!

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